Meet, Date, Time, Sex
This is a very rough draft of a poem I'm working on for my workshop. The plan is to allow readers (that's you) to follow the revision processes I go through. Each new version will be posted, along with comments as to what changed, and why. I hope this will be enlightening and interesting.
Also, it should be pointed out that the assignment was to construct a poem entirely of nouns, with no adverbs/adjectives/verbs in the poem. This is hard to do, and still make the result a workable poem. For published examples, see Inside by Kim Addonizio and Flame by C D Wright. Both are impressive in how much they manage to convey, in imagery and meaning, using only nouns. I hope this one can be nearly as good.
You'll notice that I've already posted two versions. The first is the newer, and most of the changes were made in the original composing of the poem.
Meet, Date, Time, Sex
Rev.1
Meet
hair
eyes
lips
nose
hand
fingernails
skirt
legs
sandles
toes
smile
Date
candle
knife
fork
plate
merlot
chocolate
espresso
hug
lips
cheek
smile
Time
call
day
call
call
date
call
week
date
month
dates
smile
Sex
hair
eyes
lips
neck
lavender
silk
nipple
silk
lips
sweat
smile
---In the second stanza I added some words (knife, fork, plate) and added specific details (merlot vs wine, espresso vs coffee) both to make the poem more consistent, and to try to create those images of specific things. In a poem this spare, details and images are extremely important. Also important is a consistent rhythm, meter is hard to achieve, but the rhythm is going to be something I focus on in this poem.
---The third stanza changed almost completely. Compared to the original, it conveys much better the passage of time, and the amount of interaction. I'm worried that it only implies a month and change has passed, as I'd like it to convey more than that. Also, smile at the end makes it consistent with the other three stanzas.
+++++++++
Original
Meet
hair
eyes
lips
nose
hand
fingernails
skirt
legs
sandles
toes
smile
Date
candle
wine
chocolate
coffee
hug
kiss
cheek
smile
Time
day
call
day
day
date
call
call
day
call
week
date
Sex
hair
eyes
lips
neck
lavender
silk
nipple
silk
lips
sweat
smile
++++++++++++
The reader may also want to know where this came from, I guess. Welllll.... one of the exercises we start the class out with is a wordlist. Not just any word list, though.
We were to come up with 10 words for each of the five senses. Specific words (nouns) that for us applied to that sense. par example: my words for smell are sawdust, neck, baby powder, lavender, blood, pie, iron, contradiction, sweat, electricity. Also, 10 words that brought to mind motion, 7 other words (that we like the sound of, or don't really fit, etc) and 3 absractions (love, hate, justice, peace, etc). Every word in the fourth stanza is on my list. This gave me a subject (I was a little preoccupied, okay?) and something to write to, which really helps me get going. Basically, it was, "Gee this part is great, but how do you get to there?" That is where this poem came from.
Poetry
Also, it should be pointed out that the assignment was to construct a poem entirely of nouns, with no adverbs/adjectives/verbs in the poem. This is hard to do, and still make the result a workable poem. For published examples, see Inside by Kim Addonizio and Flame by C D Wright. Both are impressive in how much they manage to convey, in imagery and meaning, using only nouns. I hope this one can be nearly as good.
You'll notice that I've already posted two versions. The first is the newer, and most of the changes were made in the original composing of the poem.
Meet, Date, Time, Sex
Rev.1
Meet
hair
eyes
lips
nose
hand
fingernails
skirt
legs
sandles
toes
smile
Date
candle
knife
fork
plate
merlot
chocolate
espresso
hug
lips
cheek
smile
Time
call
day
call
call
date
call
week
date
month
dates
smile
Sex
hair
eyes
lips
neck
lavender
silk
nipple
silk
lips
sweat
smile
---In the second stanza I added some words (knife, fork, plate) and added specific details (merlot vs wine, espresso vs coffee) both to make the poem more consistent, and to try to create those images of specific things. In a poem this spare, details and images are extremely important. Also important is a consistent rhythm, meter is hard to achieve, but the rhythm is going to be something I focus on in this poem.
---The third stanza changed almost completely. Compared to the original, it conveys much better the passage of time, and the amount of interaction. I'm worried that it only implies a month and change has passed, as I'd like it to convey more than that. Also, smile at the end makes it consistent with the other three stanzas.
+++++++++
Original
Meet
hair
eyes
lips
nose
hand
fingernails
skirt
legs
sandles
toes
smile
Date
candle
wine
chocolate
coffee
hug
kiss
cheek
smile
Time
day
call
day
day
date
call
call
day
call
week
date
Sex
hair
eyes
lips
neck
lavender
silk
nipple
silk
lips
sweat
smile
++++++++++++
The reader may also want to know where this came from, I guess. Welllll.... one of the exercises we start the class out with is a wordlist. Not just any word list, though.
We were to come up with 10 words for each of the five senses. Specific words (nouns) that for us applied to that sense. par example: my words for smell are sawdust, neck, baby powder, lavender, blood, pie, iron, contradiction, sweat, electricity. Also, 10 words that brought to mind motion, 7 other words (that we like the sound of, or don't really fit, etc) and 3 absractions (love, hate, justice, peace, etc). Every word in the fourth stanza is on my list. This gave me a subject (I was a little preoccupied, okay?) and something to write to, which really helps me get going. Basically, it was, "Gee this part is great, but how do you get to there?" That is where this poem came from.
Poetry
tags: Poetry,
Fiction,
Writing
posted by Eric Heald-Webb at 02:01
1 Comments:
I LIKE this!
Keep the Esspresso and merlot bit. I like the specificity (word?) of it. I can see it perfectly. And I like the Sex part. (Weird huh?) In all honesty its very sweet. Innocent and yet you can feel the connection.
Great word selections. Maybe on the "date" part, instead of just candle - make it candle light? Oh and add some background music. Maybe a "serenade" or "Laughter" or "clink" or something. I'd like to hear something in my mind as I'm reading it.
Oh and for the Time part - stick with "call day call call" I like that one best. Maybe include something like "message" or "screen" or "blank dialtone"
It would add affect.
Ok! Enough from me. I'm glad things are going well for you since you messaged K. Let's go out for dinner or drinks sometime this week. How about Wednesday?
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